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Ana Chan Testimony

Honestly, this isn’t one of those testimonies of life-changing experiences and angels singing. Basically, I’ve been going to CBC for as long as I can remember. My grandparents started going when they arrived in Houston, which generally led down to me attending as well, since mom drove us every Sunday. My dad never came. And let’s just say I thought there were better things I could be spending my Sunday mornings on.

 

Church was easy to pretend to care about. Just know that everything ties back to Jesus and that he died on the cross to save you. Keep those Awana memory verses in the back of your mind. On that note, I became a pro at memorizing Bible verses. I finished those handbooks in half a year, got that shiny colored badge filled up, received a shiny trophy at the end of each year. Like I said it was a breeze. Just know those classic Bible stories: Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Abraham and his sons, Moses, David, Solomon…it wasn’t like they taught you anything else.

 

It was boring. Maybe it was because I thought someone of my intelligence level at the age of 5-10 deserved something cooler. But I thought they were just wasting my time, teaching me the same stories they’ve been teaching since Children’s Worship began, and thinking that it was all I needed to get into heaven. The best part were the good videos they showed us once every slowed down century or so. At that point, I still believed that Jesus was the way out of hell. He is. But He was – is – so much more than that. Then again, I didn’t realize that. I just knew that he was my key out of eternal suffering so if that meant pretending that singing silly songs and talking about how scary it must have been in a den full of lions each year would get me there, I was willing to put up with all of that.

 

I would like to point out that during those years I had always wanted to be baptized. All my friends were, around 4th grade, and so I was like, “Well, that means I have to. It’s the thing to do right now. And look. The girls all get new shiny Bibles and little book bags to carry, just for getting dipped in water. Sign me up.” But of course, my mom was like, “I don’t want you committing until you know for sure where your heart is.” And of course, I assumed that because I was a 5th grader, and at the top of the elementary school food chain, I knew everything and therefore, I believed I did know where my heart was, and that my mom just was being mean.

 

Sundays mornings then were games of dragging out the time to arrive to church as late as possible and sitting in those uncomfortable plastic chairs while dressed in uncomfortable clothes that I didn’t even like, and putting on a smiling face, all while answering the questions with the appropriate right answers, to show off just how smart I was compared with everyone else. I passed Aunt Jeannie’s 3rd grade class with a gold trophy and certificate. I was pretty much a master at what Justin likes to call “The Church Game.”

 

Unpredictably this would change when I entered the Youth Ministry. At first I just thought it was full of scary older kids who all knew each other because they were all like cousins or something. And seriously I thought it was strange. One minute they go from talking about ABDC and the latest basketball game to pouring out their hearts in worship and taking the Bible so seriously. I just didn’t understand it.

I would say Winter Retreat was really a turning point. It was perhaps in due to the fact that you’re stuck at a church camp, with just the previously mentioned weird kids, and there is nothing from the outside world distracting you. You can basically just feel the presence of God there and it was around then that it really hit me hard.

 

I don’t quite know at what exact point of time it was, down to the exact position of the sun in the sky at that moment, or anything. But I do know that I was thinking about God while I was outside. Somehow, it really just struck me how crazy it was that Jesus died for me on the cross. How he was willing to sacrifice his own perfect life for someone who totally was screwed over. There was the fact that he allowed the weight of all my sins to be put on him – and not just mine, but the whole world, was insane. I was totally undeserving of his love and yet he still loved me enough to pay his own life.

 

From there, it has been a steady rollercoaster. There would be times when I doubted my faith or when I would just feel that there was no freaking way that God was in my life. And yet, he was, and I just think that when doubts, it’s just a way to really know how strong your faith is. When you doubt, you’re either going to realize you never believed in God to begin with, and walk away, or you’re just going to grow deeper. I will admit, I frequently questioned my faith. Was what I believed in truly the “right” thing? Why had I even put everything in God? These sorts of things I still wonder now, because they’re those questions that you really can’t answer. It all goes back down to faith. If God revealed himself, then what was the real reason you believed in him for?

 

There were many other trials as well. But what I think I could relate with to a lot of my friends was that I simply didn’t put in time for God and started to drift away from him. There were so many more important things than church. School. My social life. Everything else. God could fit in on Sundays and on Friday evenings. But as it carried on, I realized just how much more I needed him in my life. I remember in Awana how one of our leaders took a cup and filled it with water to represent all of the stuff that takes up your time. When it was filled to the brim and on the brink of overflowing, he then added an ice cube to represent God. As expected, it wouldn’t sink and just spilled over with some water. He then took another cup and put the ice cube in first, then added water. This time, not a drop fell from the sides. Not only did he manage to fit both “God” and “life” in the cup, but the ice cube, aka God, improved the drink.

 

Now, my life is still far from what a Christian life looks like. I still make mistakes. I still put so many things before God. I still doubt. I would say the biggest thing right now that I’m fighting with, is the thought that I’m not using my life wisely. With all the time and gifts He has given me, I fear I haven’t been using them for their intended purpose. That’s another thing. I still don’t know what God’s purpose for me is yet. I worry that I’m just going to drift aimlessly and just get by in life. However, God has stayed with me during everything, and I’m still confident that he is with me, as my faith continues to grow.